So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
