I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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