I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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