you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
