Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
