I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
