Your mouth is God's brothel.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Everything about him screamed your future.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
