two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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