I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
