my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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