Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
