i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
