this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
