I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wish there were birth control emojis
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
