that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
