just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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