apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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