dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
