I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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