Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
