So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
