Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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