I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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