If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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