Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
