Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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