You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
