I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
