Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
