We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My liver just had a heart attack.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
