the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize