i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm too high and old for this...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize