you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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