i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
