Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize