I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
