I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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