That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
