So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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