Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
