i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
