You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
