Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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