Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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