Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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