I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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