Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
