I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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