I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
