Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
