Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
