with your own penis?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
