i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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