your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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