it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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