So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
