Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
