you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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